What is Trolling?
Well, trolling is, simply put, the act of leaving an insulting message (usually on the internet) in order to provoke someone. It is a form of bullying.
What has trolling got to do with parenting?
Well, a lot! Parents are supposed to be the people that a child relies on for comfort and support if someone trolls them. However, unfortunately, incidences where parents troll their children are increasing. Why is this a matter concern? It has far-reaching implications on the mental health of a child and what's worse is that parents may not even realise they are trolling their child.
For example, take into account this little incident, A child receives an expensive gift on their birthday. A well meaning parent, keeps the gift away from the child for safeguarding, when the parent does this, the child frowns and insists on playing with it and promises to take care of it. The now slightly frustrated, annoyed parent responds with, "Yeah, just like you promised to take care of that car we bought you on your last birthday, which you broke in an hour?"
Something that sounds logical and sensible to our adult brain. We made a point, right? and we used sarcasm so it's funny. Shouldn't we get brownie points for this? Well, this is a classic example of parental trolling. This isn't to say this happens only with little children. No, it happens to children of all ages. Of course, the situation and context may change but parental trolling is real and as a parent you need to learn to identify if, how and when you do it to your kids.
If the intention or the direct result of any remark is to insult then that is trolling. Remember you may have innocent intention but may still end up saying insulting things. Or if you're using insult as a means to trigger self-reflection in your child then that is trolling too. Trolling is bullying. Even if the person bullying is the parent, its not okay, in fact, especially if its parents, its not okay and the ill-effects can be worse.
What are some ill effects of parental trolling?
Just like any other form of trolling it can cause stress, and mental health issues.
Coming from a parent or worse both parents, it can feel even worse
Can cause the child to feel unwanted and judged
Cause permanent damage to your relationship
Cause trust issues
Effect the child's confidence and self-esteem
What to do if you have accidentally or trolled your child?
Explain to your child that you're sorry. This will not only strengthen the relationship but you're also teaching by example that everyone makes mistakes as we are all humans and owning up and apologising for mistakes is the right thing to do. Personally, make it a point not to make comments to insult your child. As a parent your job is to support and help your child become an independent, loving, self-reliant adult. Your job is not to find clever ways of insulting them with sarcasm.
What to do if your parents troll you?
Talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Don't expect immediate change, give them time to absorb and reflect. Be prepared for denial. No human being is perfect and that includes your parents. Do not decide they won't be up for talking or understanding without giving it a try first. Approach the conversation with an open mind and don't take an accusative tone. Simply share what made you feel bad and why.
However, if they are not up for it and they continue to troll you and refuse to change then tell yourself what you would if any random stranger trolls you on the internet and that is, "Their thinking is not a reflection on you. It is not the whole picture." and then refrain from engaging in counter-trolling. If it causes you to feel anxious and stressed out, talk to a counsellor. Seek professional help. Or speak to another adult you trust, who can intervene and talk to your parents.
Love,
Samarna
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